~A Princess much?~
These thoughts have been whirling around my head for days - and in an effort to write more prose and be like my blogging idols CJane, Nie Nie, Carli, Lucky Holly I am posting it here... humour me and follow along... please?
These thoughts came whilst once again crying myself to sleep ( I PROMISE I DO NOT CRY EVERYNIGHT - It has only been like 3 times since Miss N was born - OH what sleep deprivation will do to you!)It was triggered by my questioning the MR over his desire to take us on a real family vacation (at the most hottest (for camping) and expensive (for hotels) time of the year) ~ And I think I hurt his feelings ~ so I lay awake questioning
WHY DO I LIKE TO GO WITHOUT?
I think I like to make things hard for myself and then I feel better when I get through anyway. I think there is a small thrill involved of making do with minimal resources! I like to think it makes me tougher...more resilient.
When it rains alot (or in last weeks case days of dust storms) I question whether or not I should have a clothes dryer.
- now I am sure one little dryer for my use will not harm the environment dangerously so? But I like to think I am saving money and the environment. But is just little old me choosing not to, really gonna help the environment?
I read somewhere that if every person on the planet was to live like the average american (or Australian we will add) then we would need 3 planet earths - in my warped thinking I like to dream that by me forgoeing some pleasures (ie dryer, heater, aircon) I am enabling a person from say Africa, South America or Asia to live a better life. If we think people in third world countries deserve better or as much as we have - then We must go with out a few things so it evens out -as obviously there are not 3 earths available
My Sister in law recently went on a girls night away. I have only been trying to plan one of these for about 5 years!! HA! I wanted to do one with my mum and sister and sister in law ages ago, but never happened. Then I thought I would try with a few mums from church.. but my insecurities come up - would anyone want to go away with me, which hotel to choose, where?, cost, guilt in that I dont go away with my husband, so why would I go away with other people - so I need to organise time away with him first, then a girls night :) OH the Irony! The guilt!
I was talking at a party to a mum - talking baby/mum stuff. She tells me that she has a nursery set up at her parents house exactly the same as hers at home (so the baby doesn't get confused) and that her parents have the baby on Tuesday and Friday Nights (overnight) so her and her husband can still go out and have time together and a full nights sleep.
WHAT THE??? I have never even made a bottle - scares me actually (that I get it right) so usually can't be away from my kids for the first 14 months - so I have spent 5 years out of 10 with a constant little clingon and that I wouldn't expect my mother to do that (though I must note she is a VERY Good babysitter and has often had my kids overnight, just not as babies) so I had to admit I was slightly jealous...
We were talking pedicures and a mum at school was saying how gel nail polish is all the go as it doesn't chip and lasts for months - I was like well I have never had a pedicure or manicure, so I so wouldn't know anything about that - but now I want one!!
Had my first haircut in like 2 years a few weeks ago - my sister and I used to cut each others hair and I have even cut my own hair many times -actually the last time I got foils - Years ago my sister actually did it for me using $5 peroxide. We got a fruit and veg plastic bag, put it on my head, poked holes in it and then pulled hair through the holes - when I got compliments about my new hair colour I would laugh and say my sister did it with a plastic fruit bag and a bobby pin!!!
Saw photo of me from Miss N's blessing - I looked hideous, I don't own much make up and it is cheap and getting seriously depleted now my older girls play and use it!!- I need someone to show me the good stuff and how to apply it - when did I become a FRUMP?
The list could go on and on.. but I will stop here
So do I secretly enjoy being a martyr? Or am I blessed to be this way - as without being like this The MR and I might not have made it through unemployment, redundancy, running our own business ~ without being in huge debt.
Why do I feel comfortable in denying myself - yet then will occasionally feel jealousy for those who have what I don't - but yet I could have it - If I just went and did it!
At least I can remind the MR he is lucky his wife is so low maintenance!
So am I lazy? Cheap? Martyr? Stupid?
In an attempt to change my ways I am off to get a pedicure - who wants to come with?
I might need a gentle nudge.