Monday, February 28, 2011

I am an idiot (though I'm sure we've already established that)

Not what I looked like saturday night asleep on the couch by 8pm

A regret from the weekend.

A few weeks ago I received an invitation to a friends wedding reception.

We had a few other commitments but mused on whether we would go.

Except over time I pretty much talked myself out of it.

I had the time wrong. In my head I thought it was later than it was. I thought I can't drive an hour + to get there. Weddings always take long to get started and then I'll be driving home late at night down the mountain. I'm too old and too tired to be able to do that and still function tomorrow with my kids.

I thought my car wouldn't make it up the mountain. I didn't want to be stuck late at night with my kids on side of a dark and lonely road (yeah I'm a big baby)

Even though kids were invited I sooooo did not want to take my kids. What is the point of going to a night of dancing if all I would be able to do is chase my crazy kids around. I neglected finding babysitters and was relying on good ol' grandma (who turns out has a life and was out! how dare she ;)

Even though we were in the same social circle 10+ years ago we really hadn't seen eachother much over that time. Recently we've reconnected via facebook and our blogs and met up. We comment to eachother daily but  I wondered if I was *really* a friend of hers, or if she was just being kind in inviting me. I doubted my place in attending. I doubted my meaning to her and sadly her meaning to me.

So late Saturday afternoon when I had a feeling to look over the invite I was shocked to see I had both the time and location wrong!! I felt giddy and excited  and I decided that we were going to go.

When was the last time The Mr and I got to dance the night away? 1999? How many chances to I get to spend the night dancing in a quaint hall in the country? I'd be crazy if I miss this opportunity.

The Mr thought I was crazy when he walked in the door tired from work with my excitedly rambling away about how we were leaving now. How to organise everyone home, everyone dressed up, find some babysitters, find a plate of food to take, pick up a present on the way, and still be two hours late to said function.

Needless to say we didn't make it.

I was sad.

I spent the time thinking about how we talk ourselves out of things. How we let our fears and concerns sometimes rob us of great experiences. Too late? too far? too tired? are we really friends? too busy? My stupidness meant I missed out on a great night, time alone with The Mr, the ability to catch up with wonderful friends, to celebrate a wedding between two deserving people

I fell asleep that night on the couch while the girls watched Home Alone 2 on tv.

And I thought, how sad is my life.

I am an idiot.

Dear Tash. If you are reading this ( I hope NOT. You should be on your honeymoon.) I'm sorry I allowed my fears and weakness to prevent me from attending. If anyone deserves joy and happiness after many trials it is you and Michael. I hope you had a most wonderful day and rest of your lives together xx


The Swann Family said...

I looked at Tash's wedding photos sadly yesterday too. I know how you feel. An 8 hour drive with our limited time & cashflow at the moment was too much though. :(
She'll never hold it against you B. It's not in her nature. :)
P.S. The dress!!!

SuiGeNeRiS Speaks said...

My wedding post and response...


Abbie said...

Oh I think a lot of us do this. I convince myself all the time of things I cannot do only to realize later just how silly I was being. Hard to not let the regret and disappointment get me too down.
I am sure your friend completely understands. Your comments at the end were very sweet.

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