Monday, June 27, 2011
I've concocted this post several times over in my head this week.
Then I read This Post by Anna Maria Horner this morning. oh it encapsulated soo much better what I am feeling. With a positive slant! (Go read right now! perfect for anyone with kids!) It lifted my soul as to how life is with a bunch of little ones underfoot and how one as a mother dreams..dreams of fixing it all..
The last week I've felt like I was going crazy. And I didn't know if it was just regular crazy or if it was a symptom of the slight thyroid problem my doctor told me I have (apparently irritablility is one of the side affects ;) and the pain I have in my side almost daily from another problem (suspected kidney stone dust) everything was bothering me!
Last week the poor Mr was discussing some action plans that we could try with our 10 year and I all of a sudden went off on a tangent about how it is so unfair how he only has to look after himself. I said you get to lie in bed every morning and read scriptures, you get up take a shower, eat your breakfast when you want and leave for work without having to think of anyone else! You just do what you want when you want. IT'S SO UNFAIR!!!
Then I apologised and said that 'I'm not angry, I'M JEALOUS. JEALOUS BEYOND BELIEF!
Jealousy is a curse people!
It makes you think all crazy things in your head that the other person has NO IDEA about!
My head is being done in with thinking about 5 other people all the time. I can't even relax at night without thinking about it all.This one needs to be taken back and forth daily to band camp, this one needs a nappy change, this one is on the roof :) this one needs some reading/writing practice, the house is mess - I'm lucky to get the lounge clean and 4 loads of washing done, what am I going to make for dinner, did I get a shower today, I'm so tired I fall asleep on the couch instead of reading my scriptures, I turn around and another mess is there, every room has a mess, someones making science experiments in the kitchen, someones upended the hidden away boxes of stuffed animals, someones emptying makeup everywhere... AHHHHH everything is a huge shamozzle.
I was looking forward to the holidays with glee. I just want it all to stop!
I think while women may be good at multitasking (well we like to tell ourselves we are) it seems really hard to turn this multi tasking off. I COULD choose to take things slower as per the MR. I COULD choose to think of myself before everyone else. I COULD choose just to let the mess be.
But the truth is I can't escape it. I DO have 5 schedules running in my brain. I do have 5 people to look after everyday. It's never going to stop. To be fair The Mr quietly responded and said "I DO think about everyone everyday" (which brings tears to my eyes as I type this, it was unfair of me to think differently)
Maybe I want to hear reassurance. Maybe I want to hear:
"I don't know how you do it everyday, you're amazing, I could never do it."
But I would then have to offer the same to the MR. I truly would not be able to go to *paid* work everyday. (And still have to cook, clean, look after 5 peoples schedules ;) I don't think I could stand the stress of the work force and office politics. I AM GLAD that he gets to do all that businesss. To have the financial welfare of 5 other people on your shoulders is stressful I'm sure. Impressing your boss is no fun picnic.
So while we do appreciate eachothers hard work and tell eachother so often, maybe it needs to be a little more often. A little appreciation never goes astray?
Perhaps it is because I feel like nothing is ever 100% done, that if I even stop for a day or two I would fall so far behind I would fear I would never catch up! But you know what, that is Pride talking. It would be nice to think my little world revolves all around me (surely!) but it doesn't and it is prideful to think otherwise. The world would run and go fine if I wasn't here constantly picking up. Have you wondered why the certain chores in life never seem to end. Why do we need to feed ourselves, clean ourselves and clean our living space EVERYSINGLEDAY? I'm sure this repeative business to complete the daily life giving tasks is the Lord's way of saying 'you are never done. There is always work to do' and there is a reason why our bodies and world is designed this way. So we can NEVER become lazy! There is always something to do!
The one thing I do know about stressful weeks, is that they do end. I had stressful times when I only had one baby. Then two. Then three. A busy life never ends, but the upset stressful feeling can and will. At the end of last week on both Thursday and Friday afternoons all the girls and our neighbour played quietly for hours. I ahhhhed to myself and thought 'YES! Sometimes they DO know how to play nicely and quietly'.
And my mood today was lifted by that article, this bit spoke to me so forcefully.
I've learned (and I write this sitting in my utter mess of a dream studio) that its not the size of your space, the perfection of your organization skills or the cleanliness (what?) of your children that keeps you feeling all tucked in and happy.
It is actually just deciding to feel tucked in and happy.
When the Mr noticed I was going crazy (not hard to miss I'm sure) he offered to take the kids on Saturday so I could rest. But I said 'No (yes I am crazy) I might be tired, but whats the point of a few hours nap? That's not going to achieve ANYTHING'
So we went on a family bushwalking trip. And it was nice.
Nature can fix ones soul. I'm sure of it.
So can the Mr cleaning the kitchen and defrosting the freezer and looking after N today.
I'm feeling better already.