Thursday, September 10, 2009

And then she smiled..

So its been hard. I think I cried myself to sleep on Monday night. Miss N couldn't evade her germy sisters for too long and finally caught a cold. (how anyone could if your sister sucks on your nose and kisses your lips about 1000 times a day!)

She isn't a good feeder at the best of times, add a cold and it is near impossible. This in turn gives me the beginning stages of mastitis constantly and this equals a crying mother.

I think I was also crying in the fact that I thought, if it gets too much harder, I don't want to start not liking Miss N. I was scared - PLEASE LET ME ENJOY HER! I begged!!

Thoughts weigh us down in the dark of night. No sleep, a snuffly baby who can't eat, sore breasts, watching her little body heave with coughs, then squeal in pain, feeling in the dark with no one to talk to - that what is meant to be an enjoyable time just for me and Miss N is anything but 90% of the time. It breaks my heart to see her cry and cough each time I try to feed her.

Then a new day starts and we try again. I love the dawn of light, regenerating me.

And then she smiled

And my fears floated away.

*Note - After seeing the doctors it seems Miss N has Soft Larynx. This means the milk drips down into the larynx and irritates it (made 10 times worse when you add snot into the mix!) So she needs to be held upright after feeds, and I read that sleeping them on their tummy might help too (*gasp - don't tell anyone) She slept fantastic last night after I tried it, so I hope that continues.

They also sound congested all the time, I have had her chest checked twice (once in hospital when she was born after it seemed she stopped breathing) and both times said her chest was clear and very good. Apparently it is the larynx that is making the horrible scarey sounds!

I feel much better and validated now I have a possible cause!

And it actually isnt that bad, if it was just Miss N here, it would be tolerable.. throw in some other kids who are feeling left out because I am always either feeding or holding Miss N is what makes it difficult. I feel for them when they are sad that they are not getting any attention from me.

*And this isnt the photo of her smiling - she has only smiled about 3 times - impossible to photograph at this young age!! But she looked me straight in the eyes and smiled at me right when I needed it :)


Cowan Family said...

Oh Bobbie it is so good to hear someone else voicing the dark thoughts that mothers often have but are too scared or ashamed to admit. A newborn is so hard - I think I cry constantly for a good 4 or 5 weeks after their birth. I can only imagine what it must be like for you at the moment with 3 other girls to look after and all the school runs and homework too. Thinking of you.
So glad you found out about Miss N's feeding problems - it makes it a little bit easier now you know what to do. All the best Bobbie. XX

katy said...

Thinking of you. Hold onto the wonderful moments and try to remember the difficult ones will pass soon.

Sars life said...

It is hard in the first few months. But not every child is a text book case. And do not forget you can ask for help. Both of my boys wriggled and twisted their ways onto their tummy with in the first month and from then on they slept much better. Although I did check on them constantly.

Karyn said...

It's those little moments of 'Ah' that make it all worthwhile. Wishing you more and more moments like these.

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