Wednesday, November 17, 2010

To like my girls.

I had a bad thought once. A stray thought about what if one/all of my kids died.

For a second I thought I wouldn't be that sad.

Isn't that terrible?

I pondered my thought:

Is it because I understand the plan of salvation? I understand I will be with them forever?
Is it because while I may  love them, I don't always like them?
There's physical attachment but how emotionally attached am I to them?
Was it because I was tired and overwraught and would welcome the releaving of my burdens?

I don't know what the answer was but I was appalled at my stray thought no matter how fleeting it may have been. But I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world to say they don't like their kids (all the time)

Now don't get me wrong I love my kids and love being a mother *most* of the time.

I was just stretching my boundries of feelings.

How upset would I be if my kids were no longer on this earth without me?

I have spent more time lately trying to get to *know* my children. Get to know them, as they are, opposed to knowing them just as my children.

I *want* to like them. 

As I've blogged before I came to the realisation a few years ago that we will spend most of our lives parenting adults. Adults we might not necessarily like.

but I want to like mine!!

How do you learn to like a person?

Get to know them, talk with them, have bonding experiences, let them lead.

I will admit I think it is working. I am starting to like their personalities more. I'm starting to understand them more, instead of them sometimes just being annoying to me.

I love baby cuddles and cute toddler speak. Sometimes I feel that I know how to relate to my little girls, but I don't know how to relate to my older girls. I am on a steep learning curve with a house full of girls who don't always want to listen to what I say or want my advice. It can hurt sometimes.

 I really think there is something great in seeing grown teenagers and adults together as a family. Families that enjoy eachother. I know some families that just seem like they all get along so well (even with teens in the mix!)

I hope I will get that. I really hope *crosses fingers*

One of my goals for the comming year is to learn to like my children more.

While I think it is true that it's not really my job to be my girls best friends (thats what friends are for, right? To vent about your family to??) However I do really want to be a friend of theirs.

Not a best friend

But a friend.

A FRIEND I LIKE!  (who likes friends they don't like? gah!)

*Of course I would be devasted if one of my children died. It really was an errant thought. To anyone who has lost a child, I obviously really have no idea - the amount of pain would be debilitating.

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